?

Log in

No account? Create an account
flawfreesince93
29 March 2018 @ 11:52 am
If you see me on ONTD anytime from April to June, tell me to gtfo b/c I need to study b/c my future depends on it! USMLE Step 1, your ass is mine!
Tags:
 
 
flawfreesince93
27 April 2016 @ 02:11 am
I don't have anyone to speak to about this right now (I have some good friend irl I will fill in later), so I'll just have a drunken rant on my LJ.

I'm tired. So fucking tired. Emotions are peaking, and I feel tortured. After 4 years of college, I came to understand who I am and have grown confident in that finding. Too bad I'm the type of person that my parents hate. I've been out of school for a year, working part-time and living with them, as I did during the first 19 years of my life. The same damn lie everyday, that they keep trying to encourage. Those 4 years away, full of countless hours exhausting my mental faculties in order to perform well on exams, were actually the best 4 years of my life, not because I accomplished my academic goals, but because I got to be who I truly was. How mentally fucked up does a 23 year old have to be to find such great happiness in such a fundamental good typically enjoyed by his peers on a continuous basis?

Enough vagueness, let me cut to the chase. Over the past two days, I was given the most homophobic lectures by my father (an accomplished dentist/idiot), and I can't help but wonder if he is finally starting to catch on to who I truly am. Hopefully not. I need to milk his financial support for however much longer I can if I'm going to accomplish my professional goals. And I have no moral qualms about it, considering what I know now. I cannot change my parents' way of thinking. They are way past the point of repair. Decades and decades of cultural influence, untouchable by the power of science, have molded them and other like-minded individuals into horrible human beings that their respective societies exalt. A global crisis.

Fuck it all. I'm moving far away in a few months, and can't wait to leave. It's been a crazy ride, but this stupid chapter of my life is done. Maybe that's why my emotions are a mess. Here's to new beginnings.
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
 
 
flawfreesince93
Okay, obviously no one's reading this so they can't solve my problem, but maybe blogging about it will help straighten things out for me and make it easier for me to figure out.

I have this "friend." I put it in quotes not because it's code for "me" but because it's hard to tell whether we're really friends or not. I honestly don't like him, never really liked him, never will like him, and generally don't enjoy the time we spend together. He was always obsessed with me, though. No homo. We were just bros who lived near to each other, always went to school together, and consequently spent lots of time kicking it together. I hung out with him more than anyone else. I almost NEVER initiated our hangouts though. He always did. We always did shit I didn't really care for but he did. I always just felt "there" but didn't really give him anything much other than my presence. I tried, I really did, but my personality has always been so different from his/shitty that I couldn't. I did tolerate our hangouts, though, against my will. Well, we sort of had to part ways like never before last summer because we were going to separate colleges, so that summer we spent more time together than ever. I stayed in town, he went like 3 hours away. As usual, he would occasionally text me to check up on me, which was nice, and we hung out a little over Christmas break, but still, I didn't care for him.

Well now, summer's practically gone and I haven't had any form of communication with him. I'm not sure why or what to do about it, if I should do anything. Did he finally take the hint? Is he testing our friendship out by not texting and seeing if I do? I came out of the closet to a couple of people at college and it just spread like wildfire to people it shouldn't have, some of which are close friends of his. Did they tell him something against my wishes? He's kind of a homophobe too so that would make sense if he never wanted to see me.

I don't want to see him again. There were some fundamental things we had in common, but he never really knew me or grew to like the real me. I don't know what he would do if he knew the truth. Now all I want to know what's going on between us, because I honestly do not know.
 
 
flawfreesince93
07 July 2012 @ 02:03 am
I just watched the Season 6 finale of Dexter and I'm dying. I don't know what to do with myself. FALL CAN'T COME SOONER.
 
 
flawfreesince93
04 July 2012 @ 01:51 pm
While today may be an opportunity for many to catch up with old friends and be gluttonous, I'm spending it working out, derping on the internet, reading up on some Organic Chemistry (yay for being a struggling pre-med), and replaying the new National Anthem video over and over and over and over. We were gonna take our bodies downtown but my mom got sick and she's the only thing that holds this dysfunctional until we call a family together. Does anyone legitimately give a fuck about fireworks anyway? Or am I just bored with life?
 
 
 
flawfreesince93
20 May 2012 @ 03:26 pm
It's summer bitches.

Legit gonna try to get swoll.

That is all.
 
 
flawfreesince93
14 March 2012 @ 05:09 pm
3.1415926
i used to love math when it was math
How many digits of pi have you memorized?
 
 
flawfreesince93
14 March 2012 @ 04:56 pm
As a college freshman almost done with the year, I figure I need to reflect on my school experience somewhere, so here I am.
The school year started off amazing. Made lots of new friends. Learned how to socialize. The courses were basically a review of shit I learned in high school. Lived close enough to home that I could mooch of my parents for money/clean laundry. I was living the life. 
As I progressed through the year, though, the program I'm in had us thinking in a more career-focused way.  This is what's been causing some discomfort for me. 
I can't even count the amount of lectures/speeches I've gone to that talk about some of the aspect of the field of medicine. After a while, it felt like they were trying to dissuade us from the field actually (by "they" I mean the organization in my school that coordinates health-related events/clubs). They make it sound like the most challenging thing in the world. Hell, it may be, but why not get us prepared rather than try to steer us away? 
I'm in a class about Medicine and its foundations and another for Pre-Meds and they've basically gotten me to believe that my life's a lie. They tell us we shouldn't be going into medicine for the traditional, "cliche" reasons people give: fascination with the human body, desire to help people, love for science. And that a biology major (the most common for pre-meds) won't impress anyone. So basically fuck my life. Those were a few of the main driving factors that got me on this path in the first place. It's unfair. Those used to be honorable reasons for getting into the field, and now that admissions is bored of it, medicine-bound students have to switch their game up, try something new, be different. Isn't the curriculum itself rigorous enough as it is? Doesn't the fact that I like to focus on studies not mean anything? Striving to admit perfectly well-rounded individuals is honorable, I guess, but too idealistic. It's just asking for students to bullshit their way to the top, imo. 
Then again, I'm a naive young freshman, what do I know...my perspective and opinion could be completely different this time next year.
The underlying reason this is tough for me, though, is that I'm in a constant state of questioning: is this right for me? Will it be worth it in the end? Do I have the right personality for this? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Just because I can, is it what I should aim for?
Well, I can't see myself doing anything else 10 years down the road, so deal for now.
Tags:
 
 
flawfreesince93
12 March 2012 @ 05:31 pm
TAGALONGS, no question
What is your favorite Girl Scout cookie flavor?
 
 
flawfreesince93
08 January 2012 @ 08:10 pm
This is not a spam account. I needed a new LJ. So you can stop rejecting me, kthx.